I was born unprepared to be a recluse. Elementary school doesn't count... we all have our share of what we think are friends. They are. But only one or two make it past your first two graduations, and ten years later all those other people are everywhere you're not.
I was a recluse, though involuntarily. I never experienced more than smiley/what's up relationships with people, with only a few solid friends keeping me grounded and sane. They were and are amazing people to me, and I can't imagine how I could have survived my three months of 7th grade in whatever teenage depression I had without Suzanna. She was the only one. She wasn't always available to hang out, but I had to cope with that and love whatever time of hers I could steal.
You start getting more serious in high school. You start realizing how much of an effect your reputation has on you..how you spend your school days, who you talk to about homework, about guys, who you see after school, everyone's away messages and how much they have going on, things to do. Everyone has things to do. At any given time, most people can call someone up and find something to do so they don't go crazy staying at home every night. I was so used to it, I was a recluse. I didn't want to be, but some of us don't have as many people adoring them as others.
It's funny, I don't hear the words "I love youuuu" or "we need to hang out soon" from anyone. I think those that know me, know that when THEY feel like seeing me for whatever reason, I'm basically on call. Other times, I'm sure anyone could care less that I'm home for the night.. home for the month.. generally home, without a thing to do, and unable to simply invite myself places. That's the initiative the nicest of my friends have taken, to call and say dude, you doing anything? We're doing this and you should come so you don't kill yourself tonight.
I'm not suicidal, but I think about it all the time. I have nothing else to think about when I'm alone. There's nothing happy to think of when you're alone and everyone's away message
is so amazingly
happy.
So now that it's high school, you want to do as much as possible before you actually have to grow up and lose these friends to college. Now you want to experience people, because people are everything. You realize, or I've realized, that everyone gives a huge shit what people think of them because you live life based on social interaction and your day to day relationships. Of course we care what everyone thinks. We care so much it kills us. It actually kills me.
I care so much. But for the past whatever number of years I've been a recluse, and I've been dependent on a small number of people, and you know.. I survived. I'm fine.
But even though this whole "bitch" thing I claim to embrace and actually resent so deeply is the first thing people think of when they hear about me, I don't know how to express that I'm actually friendly, and I am nice, and I can be nice. You probably don't see it, you can probably think of thousands of examples that would make me a bitch, incapable of being sincerely nice.
But, mostly commonly, I'm a bitch for the following reasons: I don't always talk, I don't always look people in the eye, I don't always have something to say, but the word "shy" never, ever comes to anyone's mind..and I don't understand why
My sarcasm has dulled down a bit, but very few people have been able to catch it and understand that I'm being sarcastic. Most people aren't used to it and take what I say to heart, no matter how much I try to take it back and apologize. If you offend someone in one small way, they'll remember it forever and talk about you behind your back until you're no longer there.
I don't fit in, haven't fit in. I'm not the most common kind of person and it's a general turn off. No one understands why she can't just dress like the rest of us, have the same things to say as the rest of us, not recycle like the rest of us, stop carrying thousands of books, stop actually studying, stop not eating meat, stop listening to fucking opera, stop being so goddamn scholarly, stop not having any enthusiasm for school sports, stop just sitting there watching all of us and not make some awesome comment, start being more peppy and ditzy and hence.. attractive to talk to.
Because I do that, these truths exist: I preach veganism, I'm a loud PETA activist, I shove my grades in people's face, I criticize everyone's clothing, I want everyone to die, I hate everyone and everything they do, I want to detach myself from society, I'd rather sit at home and drink blood, I can't be a nice person, I can't even be approached because I'm something way too foreign, unrecognizable. It's like walking in unchartered territory. You'd just rather not do it.
I don't get it. You know those things aren't true, but they're all assumed. Preaching veganism.. Wow, besides when I buy a veggie burger or when someone asks, or I somehow end up saying, no thanks I don't eat meat, that's taken to a new level and people start thinking, wow that bitch just told me to enjoy eating that burger that once had feelings!
and you know..that's not me, and it hurts so much to hear it. You know I'm one of the most accepting people you've ever met. Is that not one of the things you ever liked about me?
It kills me. I don't hate everyone... and I do smile, but when I do, people either wonder why I'm actually happy for once, and I never understand that either because I'm actually happy most of the time. Or I smile and no one notices. That's so painful, no one notices. People remember that she sat in the corner and didn't say one word - she must be stuck up, she must think we all suck, she must be a bitch.
But I smiled. I listened to you talk and smiled, and when I found something I could comment on I said one or two things and I really enjoyed your company. I'm not the person who bursts out with conversation, true. I'm not outgoing, I don't throw myself at company and start telling a story. But I smiled, because that interaction meant a lot to me. I thought for a second that maybe you were okay with me there, but I come to find you thought I was a bitch because I didn't say much. Why do I have to be a bitch to you... why can't I just be quiter than you, more shy. Why is it a bitch? Why is that so automatic?
Why does everyone judge me before they know me? Not everyone, no. I've found that those who don't are the people I'm most compatible with because they know how to give chances, and I seriously feel the same way. I'm hardly ever given a chance, so I find that I have to give them. I know that most of the people I "dislike" based on what I hear about them I would probably be decent acquaintaces with, so I give them that chance. I don't go out of my way to totally ignore them or be mean to their faces, because my personal interaction with them could be positive and then I'll feel guilty for having judged them a bitch based on what someone said.
Based on what people hear about me, I'm terrible. If I was really that terrible, I might not object.. I wouldn't care. But I deeply, deeply care. It kills me when someone hates me and we haven't spoken. All I ask is that people make judgements based on me, not what they hear. Because all they'll hear is, "she's too good to talk to us, so she's just a stuck up bitch"
and the word shy
is never used
ever
and I must have cried about that more than anything.
So I was a recluse. So I had nothing to do all summer but work, and I saw close to no friends. So you didn't exactly take the time to invite me places or wonder how I was. You think people are really that happy to be at home for weeks straight? And you think they're going to invite themselves to the party you're going to? There's so many plans you can make with a person before you expect them to say, wait.. let's do something. But when they've got so many friends to go around, they don't need you.
In fact, it's a pretty big deal when you've got one or two good friends, and that's it. Because you give all your energy to those people, and if they're the wrong kind of person they'll just absorb all that attention and love that you have a dependency on them. They love being the favorite by default. They love being the only people you can make plans with, because they can do with you what they want. And when they're bored with you, they can put you on hold and know that they can come back any time.
Those people. I think I know some of those people, and I don't think I want to know those people.
And I think, at the same time, the people I had a dependency on were the greatest people I've ever met. I thought I must have been doing a good job as a friend because they seemed to enjoy my company. Sometimes they might even say I love you back, or surprise me. You know a person really cares about when they take the time to surprise you. That is.. one of the truest things I've ever said. When they do something little or give you something or take some extra time to leave you a message or randomly come over or just say I love you without any warning or precedent, those are good surprises. I thought I gave them. I don't know how often I received them. I now come to find that I must have been a terrible friend.
And in that case, why did people put up with me?
I always tell people to not surround themselves with anyone that isn't making them happy or anyone that's bringing them down.
If I brought you down, why couldn't you just get rid of me? It doesn't matter what we had if what we HAVE is making you miserable. Get rid of me. I can't blame you if I'm that terrible.
I don't know what kind of friendships you're capable of, but I could never fucking stand the friendships people had where they'd be SO happy sometimes yet constantly talking about each other to other people.
She's a bitch. Fuck her. No, FUCK her. I hate her.
Five minutes later, we're both smiling and I think it's real, it's all fine.
I'm not capable of that kind of friendship. That's a fucking lie to me, and it shouldn't exist. I'd rather not be friends at all than lukewarm friends like that. You should not be friends with people you claim to "hate" and that annoy you and piss you off. Don't do it, don't put up with it just be nice. It hurts more to find out that you were LYING about being my friend and talking about how much I suck the entire time. That hurts way more than you saying listen I can't deal with you anymore, you treat me like shit, let's break this off. Stop pretending. I can't live that way.
But back to my being a recluse... yeah. Everyone's used to it. I'm used to it. I can't say I saw the past few months happening, but they did. I don't know if I was supposed to pull friends out of thin air, but I met a few.. and I do mean a few, seriously, because I was somewhere with other friends. I can't give one person all the credit for introducing me to these new people, because it wasn't just one person, who shouldn't take all the credit either. I know I'm still pretty new at the whole social interaction thing, because you never really helped me learn since we only hung out together and you didn't take me many places. It's okay, I never complained until I realized you could've sacrificed ASKING what I was up to for the night and surprising me with a hug or something.
That.. I could get over, and I did. I still loved you, so much. The people I love, I love. And I say it so they don't forget. You probably don't love me, or if you ever did, not anymore. You haven't said it, and now I know the whole time you were complaining about how much I suck. That hurts so much because I care.. I still love you. I still thought things were okay, and I kept vocalizing how much I wanted to fix our problems. You never wanted to talk about them.
Hearing the word "whatever" has triggered more suicidal tendencies in me than most things, because sometimes I can't CRY out that feeling. Sometimes it depressed me too much because I care so much what you think about me, because I love you. I did other things, and while I did them I thought about how much you wouldn't care and how you were probably calling me a bitch while I was doing them. Well, congratulations. I think I've got myself some serious scars from everything we've gone through. I'll always remember you through them.
And these social interactions, not that you really care, have made me happier than I have ever been. You've always known how good it feels to have so many friends and so many people coming at you saying I love you, I miss you, you make me so happy, come cheer me up. You've always known, I've never know. I've always wished I had that but I thought I could do with the few good friends I have. They made me happy enough, until I discovered that they've been hating me for months. Hating me.
And maybe, I guess, it just felt good to meet some new people and find people unlike the ones I'm surrounded by in school. These people didn't take me for a bitch right away, like most. These people friended me on myspace.. how many did I friend? I don't friend anyone except girls with pretty makeup that live in Nevada. So someone friended me and said hey, I'll leave you some picture comments, I saw you for a second at the mall tonight, we've met, I liked that shirt you wore, what's up?
I never ran away with these people to get married. I never took anything. What I have with them and what they have with me is complete casual friendship. For the amount of time I've known them, that's all I can have. I can't expect more, and I don't expect more. But you know that I am friendly, as much as you might want me locked up in a corner only being nice to you, I can be nice to other people. I want to be friendly. I want people to smile at me, and I want to smile at them. Am I so terrible for wanting to be nice to people, to maybe someday hope to call them a friend and hang out with them for a minute?
I have to address everything. I will never replace you. These people love you like I love you, and I will never take more attention from them than they're willing to give to you because I'm nothing compared to what you are to them. You should never have to worry. You have a chunk of their heart, I have none. They're just being friendly to me, and I'm just thankful that they are. Am I so selfish..for wanting to enjoy these people? These are good people. I'm always looking for good people, and I find them - not just through you. You are not the beacon for the all the new "friends" I've made. But when I find a good person, I tend to be friendly. Fuck, am I so terrible? I'm sorry, I don't want to be a recluse. I always hated it. I love good people. I love nice people. I want to be nice to them. Can you let me? Can I please leave my cage to exchange smiles for a minute?
Do I really need your permission.. I may have been mostly dependent on you, but you can't control my social relationships, as much as you'd love to.
Beyond that, so much baffles me. Do you never make friends through friends? Do you find them out in the middle of the road...or do you find someone who's friends with someone you know, friend them on myspace and drop a hello and a few picture comments? Why can you do that and I can't? Why are you convinced that I've attacked your whole friends page and my face is everywhere?
I don't understand that. It's not. Are they giving you any less attention now that I've said "Hey, cute pic."? They're not, are you fucking dellusional?
It seems really painful when I see that, when you do make friends through friends, no one's stopping you and keeping you from being happy and enjoying good people. You're allowed to make friends, and you do it so well. But I can't.
Who else do I make friends through? Damn right I make them through Liz, Suzanna, whoever. Don't think I'm relying solely on you or making some concious attack on you. You'd be surprised how many of your friends friend requested me to begin with, seriously. And you know I'm not as much of a bitch as the world swears I am. Would you have ever been friends with me to begin with if I was SUCH A FUCKING BITCH OMG?
I am friendly. I can be nice. So I'm being fucking nice. I'm approving the friend requests.
And as far as the scope of my new relationships.. yeah all of a sudden I have places to go out on weekends. Yeah, SOMEONE cares what I'm doing for New Year's and they invite me. If I had stayed at home, would you have ever asked what I was doing?
I mean.. I thought you loved me. And I love you. I love you so much so that I knew what pissed you off but I felt this burning need to reach out and maybe allow myself one more friendship that I didn't tell you about it because I was trying to deal with your "issue." You didn't believe me when I said I lied about it because I cared about you, that I would tell you eventually when the time was right. But you've grown to hate me, you have.
So now, some people are saying hey this is going on, come see it. For Emily's show, I was actually planning on not going.. for you. For you. Why would you make me do that? Do you feel better denouncing some glimmer of happiness from me to "keep some friends to yourself"?
I wasn't planning on going, but I'm not a bitch. You know me. Emily called me and asked me to go. Am I supposed to say, "Sorry I can't, she wants you to herself." Emily wouldn't deserve that, so I said yeah I'll come support you. Obviously I couldn't handle it and had to leave because you're still killing me.
I'd think maybe in some alternate universe you'd want your friends to be freinds and get along. You say I've never experienced the "taking" of friends.. I thought about it, and I've had it happen is some sense. Christian met Alysha through me/Liz, and they because better friends than I think I've ever been with either of them. And I thought to myself, honest to God if she and Suzanna were to hang out, how would I feel?
And you know what, I'm not saying this for the purposes of my argument. I swear to God I have no problem with it because I know I have nothing to be jealous of/worried about. The relationship that I have with the both of you is so deep and goes back so many years that I know what you two have might be great but our stuff is so independent of that. I might feel an initial pang of jealousy, but if you make each other happy - and I WANT my friends to be happy - then how could I be upset? I wouldn't be, I honestly wouldn't be because our relationships wouldn't change. Seriously, go ahead and be friends with her. I want you do. You'd just form a new relationship, and I always hoped you would
But my friends don't get along. I can't believe I get along with yours and it's such a problem.. and even going back to the Vin thing I've wondered to myself, how much she must actually hate me
that all she says is BACK OFF THESE PEOPLE and not once does she say to them, BACK OFF ANETA, SHE'S MINE.
I'm nothing to be protective of, then. I'm nothing you could care enough about that you would fight for me. You fight for them so much. And you've grown to really dislike me, so if I'm not something you could ever see yourself fighting for, and I'm just there so you're not bored out of your mind at school, then fuck it.
What kind of friendship is that? I see so many selfish qualities in you that disgust me and yet if I didnt' care about you, why would I have to leave because I didn't want to cry in front of everyone about how much this is all hurting me? If I didn't care, why would I still be crying?
I thought we were still friends. Don't say we are - this is why people break up, and this is why we have to break up. You can't continue being friends with someone who's going to annoy you as much as I do and, apparently, treat you like such shit. I'll miss you beyond belief, I already do. But it's better for you to leave it at that, and it's better for me to explain why I can't be around someone that's going to talk about me so much while I think we're good friends.
The only people I've truly dicussed these problems with are Chuck and Suzanna, because they both asked why I was crying. Ervis asked and I said a little, but you might not believe me when I say that I have consciously tried to avoid talking about this at all costs because it's my problem and I don't feel I need people on my side, nor do I want to bad mouth you because I love you so much. But it hurts me and it's been fucking with my head for the past few days, so the best thing to do is end it.
I love you, I loved what we had, and I'll get over it. You'll get over it, and you have so many good friends you can count on, I've always envied you for it and I never tried to take any of it away from you. I only wanted to be on good terms with every new person I met and I didn't want to to hurt you so I thought we could talk about it and fix it, but you say it can't be fixed. I can't continue a friendship on something that can't be fixed, and if you think about it you know you'll be better off NOT putting up with all the "shit" I've been putting you through.
I'm sorry for whatever that was.. I'm sorry you didn't cut ties with me through all that because I didn't know I was treating you like shit and being such a bad friend. I didn't know that through my I love you's, hugs, whatever.. we really weren't good anymore. Don't lie to me and be freinds when things are not okay and you're not happy. If you're not happy, don't do it anymore. If you are happy, stop telling everyone you're not.
But you clearly aren't because I bother you this much, and I don't want to cause someone I love so much pain, annoyance, whatever.
You've been amazing for the past four years and I hope we can tolerate each others presence and stay on civil terms. I've been dependent on you for so long and I can't keep doing that if you can't accept that I want to be friendly and not where I've been. I can't stay locked at home, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever you blame me for, for plastering my face all over your friends myspaces, for never giving you enough attention, for thinking I was one of your best friends when you've had these many problems with me. I must have been blind, but you have a tendency to say you're severely annoyed with someone, or hate them, or call them stupid, or say they're a dick and then suddenly be extremely friendly to them. I admit I've done the same thing, but you have it down to an art I can't quite master.. because we were so close and you did the same thing to me. In this kind of relationship, that can't be done at all, but I can't cry about it.
I'm sorry. Thank you for making me happy once.